Do you allow dinner guests to help serve and/or clear?

I answered "it depends."

It really is No, they're guests, and I wouldn't consider it, except that I have one group of friends, whom I always have over together, who are all restaurant pros, and they don't ask - they just do. It's second nature to just get in there and clear, rinse, wash, dry and stack. I've tried to stop them, but it's no use, and I've long ago given up.

But normal people, no, they're not even allowed in the kitchen.

Yeah, we don't even talk about this kind of stuff. Maybe I don't know any normal people.

Shut up.

I was raised in a strict Italian family, where men did not get up to do anything and women waited on them. I kinda like this and think that it's easier for me.

Oh boy, I can relate.
It was always that way when I was growing up, too. I don't think it was so much that the women were being taken advantage of as that they knew they could do it better and faster, and the men just got in the way and messed things up.

Funny how it's backfired on me, though. Since there were no sisters in my family, and I was the only one of three boys that took any interest in the kitchen, I was the only one my mom would let do anything. Since she passed, guess who does all the cleaning after the family meals?
I can't stand it when anyone tries to help - they don't do it right.

You have bigger houses than we do.

We have a teeny house (about 1050 sq feet, between 2 stories). Our dining room is off kitchen (and living room), and is maybe 8 or 9' X 12'. If we have 8 or more guests, once we put leaves in table it is very difficult to pass by table if people are sitting (due to china cabinet,etc). Betsy tends to cook elaborate meals, and I serve multiple wines. Co-existing in the kitchen is hard.

So, I set up decanters and wines in lving room, and sit at that end of table. Betsy sits in place closest to kitchen, and selects the other seat closest to kitchen for the friend she feels most comfortable helping. I take care of wine service (and circle around through living room if needed in kitchen), Betsy and her selected helper handle service. I can safely say that no one has refused a return invite because they felt they were not treated as a guest.

The one thing I do resist is the offers to help clean up at end of a big dinner party. I have my system, and don't like anyone disrupting.

[Jenise]

You have bigger houses than we do.

We have a teeny house (about 1050 sq feet, between 2 stories). Our dining room is off kitchen (and living room), and is maybe 8 or 9' X 12'. If we have 8 or more guests, once we put leaves in table it is very difficult to pass by table if people are sitting (due to china cabinet,etc). Betsy tends to cook elaborate meals, and I serve multiple wines. Co-existing in the kitchen is hard.

So, I set up decanters and wines in lving room, and sit at that end of table. Betsy sits in place closest to kitchen, and selects the other seat closest to kitchen for the friend she feels most comfortable helping. I take care of wine service (and circle around through living room if needed in kitchen), Betsy and her selected helper handle service. I can safely say that no one has refused a return invite because they felt they were not treated as a guest.

The one thing I do resist is the offers to help clean up at end of a big dinner party. I have my system, and don't like anyone disrupting.

Dale, my house is three times the size of yours, but the area around the sink is probably as constricted as yours--the staging area for dirty dishes to the left of the sink is only about a foot wide, the sink's on an angle in the corner, the dishwasher is immediately to the right, and a large island is immediately behind this area. With the dishwasher door open, access to the sink and dishwasher is restricted to one person. Even if multiple guests wanted to help, as a practical matter it's at best a one person operation. A second person can deliver dirty dishes in stages and remove handwashed items for drying, but that's about it. We refuse help for the other reasons already mentioned, but practically speaking, we'd just about have to anyway!

We refuse help for the other reasons already mentioned, but practically speaking, we'd just about have to anyway!

You know, Jenise, that's probably our situation too. I've been making up reasons for why I want to do it all, but it is folks to pass one another, especially if they don't know where things go. Interesting how I've created a philosophy out of a necessity.

I completely agree with Maria that it is more trouble than it's worth for people to help (all the questions, and frankly, sometimes I don't know all the answers. Not sure what container I will put the leftover sauce into, etc.). That said, I find it more difficult/uncomfortable to get people to stay in their seats, and when they do, the women look at me with pleading eyes that say, "Please let me help??" So, I just kind of go with the flow depending on the mood and/or formality of the particular event.

My husband is a good help for about five minutes after everyone leaves. He fits as much as he can into the dishwashers and then says with great fanfare, "The rest can wait until the morning." Like David and Jenise, I usually finish putting things away and wiping down the counters, but leave the pots/pans and glassware until morning. My lab keeps me company the whole time, but he's probably just hoping he can lick the saucepan clean.

Nope, guests never get to help clear up after dinner at our house. Life's too short - I want everyone (including myself) to be able to spend the time enjoying each other, not getting the table and kitchen back in order. I take care of all of that after the folks have left, happily so. cheers, Bonnie

That was a nice comment about your college/university mates. Some of mine are also closer than family. And that is why when I have a football party I tell them..."There is the chili, there is the cooler of beer, please help yourself but use the upstairs bathroom."

This cracked Pete up. We have friends like that too.

I answered "it depends" because I allow guests to help clean up but I never bring the subject up or encourage such behavior. My view is that, as the host, it's my job to make my guests as comfortable as possible, so if they are more comfortable assisting us at the beginning or end of a meal, so be it. To avoid congestion/collisions, guests who help us usually are recruited at one end of a bucket brigade with myself or Jean at the receiving end. For my part, I'll offer to assist my host/hostess if in my estimation such assistance would be both helpful and appreciated.

Mark Lipton

We never help in other people's tables/kitchens and don't allow guests to enter our kitchen. Collecting plates and passing them is tolerated but not encouraged.

My Spanish wife's maid was once shocked when she saw me wash my breakfast plate and coffee cup. She had never seen a man washing dishes in her life.

At my house if you don't work, you don't eat.

Just kidding. There is only one time that I can recall that dinner was so formal that none of the guest helped with service. For that dinner, I hired an experienced cook to handle service, including clearing.

I'm definitely in the "it depends" category.

I don't love having help when I'm cooking - I'm pretty organized and don't like having my plans disrupted. I do expect my daughter to help "set up" though - if my d-i-l is one of the guests she always helps set everything out too.

As far as cleaning - I'm big on cleaning as I go so after the meal there are generally only dishes (if that, I've been known to utilize nice disposables for large groups). That said, if I'm cleaning I want to do it alone (others just disrupt my flow). But of late my DH and daughter have taken care of the cleaning up for me so it isn't an issue.

I do, however, like having friends and family in the kitchen to visit while I work - and have room enough for them to visit without being in the way.

I was raised in a strict Italian family, where men did not get up to do anything and women waited on them. I kinda like this

Every man on the WLDG is now disappointed you are already married! (Of course half of them were before....)

Awww...you're too kind Cynthia. But just wait until they hear my nagging...they may not be so disappointed then Just ask my husband!!

Maria .... a nagger .... could not possibly be! TTBOMLK, Maria is the kindest, most well-mannered, pleasant and absolutely astonishingly gorgeous person I've ever met on the web. Maria, are you telling us you behave differently in real life to how you come across in type?

My take on this relates to the question. "Do you allow ...." is a whole lot different to "Do you ask ....", which draws me to the unthinkable, "Do you make ...."

Anybody who wants to help me in the kitchen is always welcome.

I make my friends do prep, as well. A regular Simon LeGree, that's what I am.

Yah, but the only friend you have is JD. you might have to wound him to keep him from helping.

Yah, but the only friend you have is JD. you might have to wound him to keep him from helping.

In my home my kitchen is too small for more than 2 people to work in it at once. But it is open concept so everyone is pretty much a part of the process while the work goes on. I have a couple friends that hang around here so much, I would wonder what was wrong with them if they weren't in the kitchen helping out. Other people I don't much want in the kitchen because they don't know the lay out and it takes me a couple weeks to find things once they leave. When I am using the formal stuff, I really don't want help because I like to hand wash some of that stuff, and I hate seeing it in the dishwasher.

However, if I am a guest in your home for any kind of meal -- chances are I am eventually going to find my way into your kitchen. Before you know it, I'm helping out one way or another, even if it's only washing and spinning the salad greens. I can't see something going on in a kitchen and not be part of it.

Maria .... a nagger .... could not possibly be! TTBOMLK, Maria is the kindest, most well-mannered, pleasant and absolutely astonishingly gorgeous person I've ever met on the web. Maria, are you telling us you behave differently in real life to how you come across in type?

Thanks David! You are very sweet. And no, I don't act differently here than I do IRL...just no need to nag you all, since you don't take out my garbage or have to wake up with the kiddos at 3:00am Nothing to nag about when I get compliments and great cooking ideas/advice.

[David M. Bueker]

If I could stop people from helping clear then I would. (I do sometimes get help in serving, just to make sure it happens quickly.)

I am the cook, and Laura is the cleaner, but when it's party time I pretty much take on both. I'm faster and generally more efficient, so it leaves more time for social interaction. Plus while I am cleaning it gives her some time with our guests, as she sometimes has trouble getting in a word edgewise with me around the table.

And like many others, glassware is done the next day.

My answer is: it depends. every Tuesday, we have "Family Dinner" and our adult children and their S.O's come over, it's a casual, comfort-food type of meal. We serve the food on the kitchen island, and they all help themselves and carry their plates to the dining room or breakfast room, depending on where we're eating. Invariably, one of the kids or one or two of their significant others will jump up and do the dishes at the end of the evening, leaving me and my husband free to just enjoy the conversation (or sibling arguments, which can be pretty entertaining). When we have wine dinners, or other more formal social dinners, there are usually 8 to 16 guests, and it's a big help if one or two guests help in taking the various courses out to the other guests. While I would prefer for my husband and I to clear the dirty plates, it doesn't always work out that way if he's in a deep conversation with someone or hasn't finished his own plate, which is common. Lately when I have a large dinner, I'll arrange for paid kitchen help, which is a huge relief when we don't have to stay up half the night washing umpteen wineglasses and pots and pans. I really don't want my guests washing dishes after a dinner. When I'm a guest at someone's home, I will almost always get up to help with serving, unless I'm trapped in a chair where there's no way to get to the kitchen without making other people get up. I don't mind helping with dishes, but I find our hosts, like me, don't want help with that.

I was raised in a strict Italian family, where men did not get up to do anything and women waited on them. I kinda like this

Every man on the WLDG is now disappointed you are already married! (Of course half of them were before....)

Awww...you're too kind Cynthia. But just wait until they hear my nagging...they may not be so disappointed then Just ask my husband!!

Yes, but Maria has yet to go through the Italian metamorphosis. Her husband will wake up one morning, look into her closet, and see nothing but black dresses, chain-knit shawls, and black Buster Browns with the heels cut open in the back. Her hair will permanently form into a bun, and at least three hairs will grow from a wart on her chin. Only drinking holy water, saying a weekly novena to St. Anthony, and making your husband dry the dishes regularly might help.

Yes, but Maria has yet to go through the Italian metamorphosis. Her husband will wake up one morning, look into her closet, and see nothing but black dresses, chain-knit shawls, and black Buster Browns with the heels cut open in the back. Her hair will permanently form into a bun, and at least three hairs will grow from a wart on her chin. Only drinking holy water, saying a weekly novena to St. Anthony, and making your husband dry the dishes regularly might help.

Gary, that would never happen to our Maria !! That all sounds a little too intense to be an objective opinion - bad personal experience ?

Yes, but Maria has yet to go through the Italian metamorphosis. Her husband will wake up one morning, look into her closet, and see nothing but black dresses, chain-knit shawls, and black Buster Browns with the heels cut open in the back. Her hair will permanently form into a bun, and at least three hairs will grow from a wart on her chin. Only drinking holy water, saying a weekly novena to St. Anthony, and making your husband dry the dishes regularly might help.

Gary, that would never happen to our Maria !! That all sounds a little too intense to be an objective opinion - bad personal experience ?

Actually, I was misappropriating what I think was an old George Carlin shtick, but, to be completely honest, there is a genetic dispositon toward this kind of devolution in the Italian DNA. And, to be honest, little old ladies who appear as I have described are kind of comforting ... particularly if they're saying the rosary.